Patricia Koelsch - Martin Allyward - Four Flavors of Love -

https://www.upaya.org/video/four-flavors-of-love-mudita-session-2023-2/

 

Patricia Koelsch on the Four Abodes, the Four Flavors of Love ..from a talk in February , 2026

"And, um, the… the four…states are, um…

metta, the poly word which gets translated as loving-kindness, but it's benevolence,

Friendliness. Karuna is compassion.

Mudita, appreciation, joy.

And Upeka, which is, um, equanimity.

And, uh, Martin Allward talks about

 

Metta is the love that cares,
Karuna, compassion, the love that responds.
Mudita, the love that delights.
and Upeka, the love that allows.

So it's very, um…They're… they're beautiful aspects of the way we can care.

Metta, loving-kindness, was initially taught
in the, uh, the Buddhist, uh, scriptures, the stories of
how the Buddha, um…
trained the disciples. The story is that
for the range of feet, which is a 3-month retreat, where…
the monks stayed in one place.
the Buddha assigned
a group of monks to go practice
in a beautiful forest.
And the monks went there.
And, uh, sort of setting up.
And, uh, the story is that the…
Tree spirits were…
really put out by this sort of invasion.
of these other… other beings, and so they really scared the monks. They made a lot of noise.
And, you know, you sort of…
I can imagine if anyone has been
camping, and, you know, especially the first couple of times you're camping. In the middle of the night, you know, you hear all this stuff, and you sort of freak out.
Well, these monks essentially freaked out and came back to the Buddha, and they said, um,
You know, this is not a good place for us to practice. There are these sort of angry tree spirits.
And, um, can you assign us
another place.
And the Buddha said, no.
That's where you're supposed to practice.
But you're supposed… but what you have to do is you have to practice
With the spirit of friendliness, you have to practice
going in there and, um…
being completely…
harmless.
The protection of 'harmlessness'. So it's taught as an antidote to fear.
And someone the other day said that, um,
she's really been sort of watching.
In her metta practice, and she noticed
that when she felt fearful,
And she could bring, especially if there's an individual, if she could bring some…
Some loving-kindness and friendliness to it. The fear sort of dissipated.
So, this idea is that, you know, no one… with Metta
It's the idea that no one should fear
should fear me. You know, that you go in as someone practicing
non-harming. I was, um…
at Moon Palace Bookstore the other day, and I saw that there was a bumper sticker that said,
I refuse to be your enemy.

And, um, I still may pick it up, but I'm not the only one who drives my car, and I don't know if that sentiment is…
shared by the other people who drive my car, so…
Um, but I love that idea. I refuse to be your enemy. We might be adversaries.
We might be opponents.
But not enemies.
And I think that's really the spirit of, um…
of Metta. And the Brahmaviharas, it's not magical thinking. It's not wishing makes it so, but rather it's a wholehearted expression of the way we care.

Um, so, uh, Sharon Sobaldsberg says, you know, when we say something like,
Our caring is, you know, may you be safe and protected in all ways.
Assurances, it's like saying to someone,
Happy birthday. I hope this is a wonderful year for you.
It's not that it magically makes it happen.
But it's an expression of the genuineness.
of our care. Um…

So there are many ways of, um, practicing meta, of expressing our concern. There are…

_________

00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:48.000

And, um, the… the four…

00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:51.000

states are, um…

00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:57.000

metta, the poly word which gets translated as loving-kindness, but it's benevolence,

00:54:57.000 --> 00:55:02.000

Friendliness. Karuna is compassion.

00:55:02.000 --> 00:55:06.000

Mudikha, appreciation, joy.

00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:09.000

And Upeka, which is, um, equanimity.

00:55:09.000 --> 00:55:13.000

And, uh, Martin Allward talks about Metta is the love that cares,

00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:17.000

Karuna, compassion, the love that responds.

00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:20.000

Mudita, the love that delights.

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:23.000

and Upeka, the love that allows.

00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:25.000

So it's very, um…

00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:30.000

They're… they're beautiful aspects of the way we can care.

00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:35.000

Metta, loving-kindness, was initially taught

00:55:35.000 --> 00:55:40.000

in the, uh, the Buddhist, uh, scriptures, the stories of

00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:43.000

how the Buddha, um…

00:55:43.000 --> 00:55:46.000

trained the disciples. The story is that

00:55:46.000 --> 00:55:50.000

for the range of feet, which is a 3-month retreat, where…

00:55:50.000 --> 00:55:52.000

the monks stayed in one place.

00:55:52.000 --> 00:55:54.000

the Buddha assigned

00:55:54.000 --> 00:55:57.000

a group of monks to go practice

00:55:57.000 --> 00:55:59.000

in a beautiful forest.

00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:02.000

And the monks went there.

00:56:02.000 --> 00:56:04.000

And, uh, sort of setting up.

00:56:04.000 --> 00:56:07.000

And, uh, the story is that the…

00:56:07.000 --> 00:56:10.000

Tree spirits were…

00:56:10.000 --> 00:56:13.000

really put out by this sort of invasion.

00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:20.000

of these other… other beings, and so they really scared the monks. They made a lot of noise.

00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:22.000

And, you know, you sort of…

00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:24.000

I can imagine if anyone has been

00:56:24.000 --> 00:56:32.000

camping, and, you know, especially the first couple of times you're camping. In the middle of the night, you know, you hear all this stuff, and you sort of freak out.

00:56:32.000 --> 00:56:37.000

Well, these monks essentially freaked out and came back to the Buddha, and they said, um,

00:56:37.000 --> 00:56:41.000

You know, this is not a good place for us to practice. There are these sort of angry tree spirits.

00:56:41.000 --> 00:56:44.000

And, um, can you assign us

00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:46.000

another place.

00:56:46.000 --> 00:56:48.000

And the Buddha said, no.

00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:50.000

That's where you're supposed to practice.

00:56:50.000 --> 00:56:55.000

But you're supposed… but what you have to do is you have to practice

00:56:55.000 --> 00:56:58.000

With the spirit of friendliness, you have to practice

00:56:58.000 --> 00:57:01.000

going in there and, um…

00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:04.000

being completely…

00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:06.000

harmless.

00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:12.000

The protection of harmlessness. So it's taught as an antidote to fear.

00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:16.000

And someone the other day said that, um,

00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:18.000

she's really been sort of watching.

00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:21.000

In her meta practice, and she noticed

00:57:21.000 --> 00:57:23.000

that when she felt fearful,

00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:28.000

And she could bring, especially if there's an individual, if she could bring some…

00:57:28.000 --> 00:57:32.000

Some loving-kindness and friendliness to it. The fear sort of dissipated.

00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:37.000

So, this idea is that, you know, no one… with Meta

00:57:37.000 --> 00:57:41.000

It's the idea that no one should fear

00:57:41.000 --> 00:57:46.000

should fear me. You know, that you go in as someone practicing

00:57:46.000 --> 00:57:50.000

non-harming. I was, um…

00:57:50.000 --> 00:57:56.000

at Moon Palace Bookstore the other day, and I saw that there was a bumper sticker that said,

00:57:56.000 --> 00:58:00.000

I refuse to be your enemy.

00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:07.000

And, um, I still may pick it up, but I'm not the only one who drives my car, and I don't know if that sentiment is…

00:58:07.000 --> 00:58:11.000

shared by the other people who drive my car, so…

00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:17.000

Um, but I love that idea. I refuse to be your enemy. We might be adversaries.

00:58:17.000 --> 00:58:19.000

We might be opponents.

00:58:19.000 --> 00:58:22.000

But not enemies.

00:58:22.000 --> 00:58:25.000

And I think that's really the spirit of, um…

00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:36.000

of Meta. And the Brahmavihars, it's not magical thinking. It's not wishing makes it so, but rather it's a wholehearted

00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:39.000

expression of the way we care.

00:58:39.000 --> 00:58:45.000

Um, so, uh, Sharon Sobaldsberg says, you know, when we say something like,

00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:51.000

Our caring is, you know, may you be safe and protected in all ways.

00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:54.000

Assurances, it's like saying to someone,

00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:59.000

Happy birthday. I hope this is a wonderful year for you.

00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:01.000

It's not that it magically makes it happen.

00:59:01.000 --> 00:59:05.000

But it's an expression of the genuineness.

00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:07.000

of our care. Um…

00:59:07.000 --> 00:59:10.000

So there are many ways of, um,

00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:12.000

practicing meta.

00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:16.000

of expressing our concern. There are…

Maitrī - Wikipedia

Maitrī - Wikipedia

The Practice of Loving Kindness or Metta Defined

The Practice of Loving Kindness or Metta Defined

The Power of Metta: A Buddhist Story - The Mountain Hermitage

The Power of Metta: A Buddhist Story - The Mountain Hermitage

Common Ground Meditation Center | Practices of Lovingkindness

Common Ground Meditation Center | Practices of Lovingkindness

Cultivate a Metta Mind: Lovingkindness Meditation | How to Meditate

Cultivate a Metta Mind: Lovingkindness Meditation | How to Meditate

The Power of Metta: A Buddhist Story - The Mountain Hermitage

The Power of Metta: A Buddhist Story - The Mountain Hermitage

Hugh Byrne offered a variation of this origin story for the practice of lovingkindness...today in his Sunday teaching. 

4 brahmaviharas and Loneliness

Alone Together

BY TONI BERNHARD| OCTOBER 15, 2019

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How do we take the sting out of loneliness and feel more connected to others? Toni Bernhard suggests practicing with the classical Buddhist teachings on friendliness, compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity.

Photo by Billy Pepper / Millennium Images, UK

In 2001, I contracted what appeared to be an acute viral infection. I have yet to recover. Imagine the aches and pains that accompany the flu—that’s how I feel every day, just without the fever. It has forced me to trade an active work and social life for the relative isolation of being mostly housebound. Because I’d always enjoyed being alone, I was caught off-guard when loneliness accompanied me into this new life. I longed for the companionship of others and to be able to share adventures with friends and family. I also felt a strong aversion to this new feeling of loneliness, and this added to my suffering. All in all, it was a dark period for me physically and emotionally.

During that time, I was reading Ann Packer’s novel, The Dive from Clausen’s Pier, and came across this passage: “Lonely is a funny thing. It’s almost like another person. After a while, it will keep you company if you let it.” Immediately, the Buddhist practice of metta came to my mind. Metta is often translated as loving-kindness, but I prefer the more modern translation—friendliness. (This is also a more accurate rendering because metta is derived from the word mitta, which means “friend.”) Packer’s words suggested to me that it was possible to change my reaction to loneliness from aversion to friendliness.

I didn’t have to love feeling lonely, but hating it was only tightening its grip on me.

Metta is one of four brahmaviharas, along with compassion, empathic joy, and equanimity. The brahmaviharas are referenced in several early Buddhist texts, including the well-known Kalama Sutta, and are called many names: the four immeasurables, the four sublime states, and the divine abodes. Traditionally, they’re understood as the highest spiritual abiding. I think of them as “the four awakened states” and consider them to be the heart of the Buddha’s teachings—four practices I can turn to for help whenever I’m troubled. With Packer’s words as an initial guide, I discovered that cultivating one or more of the brahmaviharas was a healing antidote for loneliness.

The Friendliness of Metta

If I were going to let loneliness “keep me company,” as Ann Packer suggested, instead of continually trying to force it out of my mind, which never worked anyway, I had to start greeting it with openhearted warmth. Doing this uncovered a profound sadness beneath the aversion. Allowing myself to feel sad attenuated my negative reaction to loneliness. After a week or so, instead of seeing it as an enemy, I began to see it as an old friend who’d shown up uninvited. Just as you wouldn’t turn away an old friend, I stopped turning away in aversion from the feeling of loneliness. I came to view it as one of the myriad emotions that come and go in the mind. I didn’t have to love feeling lonely, but hating it was only tightening its grip on me. Over the years, I’ve learned that treating any painful emotion with friendliness takes away its sting and lessens its intensity.

The Soothing Balm of Compassion

Treating loneliness with friendliness revealed to me that I’d been blaming myself for feeling lonely, as if it were proof of mental weakness on my part. “You shouldn’t need the company of others in order to be happy,” I’d lecture myself in a harsh tone. “Stop this stupid ruminating and do something constructive.”

The antidote for this kind of self-talk is compassion, the second brahmavihara. A compassionate heart responds with care and kindness in the presence of suffering. Self-blame is the antithesis of self-compassion. While cultivating metta toward feelings of loneliness, I also began to change my self-talk from words of blame to words of compassion: “Sweet Toni—it’s not your fault that you’ve become mostly housebound. Of course you’re sad about many of the changes it’s led to, including isolation from others. Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to a loved one who came to you for help with his or her loneliness.” Speaking words of compassionate understanding to myself in this way alleviated the self-blame.

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A particularly powerful compassion practice in the face of loneliness is tonglen, from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. Tonglen is a two-for-one practice because you simultaneously cultivate compassion for yourself and for others. Here’s how it works. On the in-breath, breathe in the suffering of others. On the out-breath, breathe out whatever kindness, compassion, and peace you’re able to offer.

I practice tonglen whenever my old friend loneliness pays a visit. These visits tend to coincide with events I’m unable to participate in. One year, my family gathered at our house for a long holiday weekend. I spent most of the time in my bedroom, listening to the sounds of laughter coming from the front of the house. The louder the laughter, the more intense my loneliness became. Then I remembered tonglen practice. I breathed in the sadness of everyone in the world who was too sick or in too much pain to be with family on a special occasion. Then I mustered whatever kindness, compassion, and peace I had within me and, on the out-breath, sent it to all those people. As I did this, I was also sending those soothing states of mind to myself because I was one of those people.

One reason that tonglen is such a powerful practice is that it connects you with people everywhere in the world. Like many others, I have a tendency to focus solely on my own troubles. On this particular family visit, I’d been acting as if I were the only person in the world who was lonely. Opening my heart to others who were suffering in the same way took me out of this self-focused thinking.

The Joy of Mudita

Mudita is the third brahmavihara. No one English word captures its meaning. Empathetic joy comes close because empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When you cultivate mudita, you work on feeling joy for others who are happy.

I noted earlier that loneliness is a complex emotion, often accompanied by self-blame. It’s also often accompanied by resentment. A few years ago, my entire family traveled from different parts of California to Disneyland so they could spend the day together. There are eight in our immediate family, but only seven were able to go on this special trip.

life is always a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant experiences.

Having learned to cultivate friendliness and compassion whenever loneliness paid a visit, I thought I’d made peace with it. While my family gathered at Disneyland, I planned to spend a quiet day at home, enjoying the solitude. So I was surprised when I began to not just feel lonely but “angry lonely.” It didn’t take long for me to realize that this anger stemmed from resentment. “It’s not fair that they get to go and I don’t,” I kept repeating.

To ease my suffering, I decided to focus on tonglen practice. I breathed in the suffering of everyone who had to stay home while family and friends were off on a fun outing. It helped, but the “angry loneliness” lingered, so I turned to empathetic joy. I thought about the good time they were having by picturing them enjoying each other’s company and going on my favorite rides. It took time, but eventually my loneliness and anger subsided and I felt genuinely happy for them. Then something magical happened. I began to feel as if they were at Disneyland for me. Suddenly, I wasn’t just feeling happy for them; I was happy myself, and the loneliness and resentment vanished.

The Peace of Equanimity

Equanimity is the fourth brahmavihara. It refers to a mind that is calm and at peace in any circumstance, including in the presence of painful emotions. After practicing friendliness, compassion, and empathic joy, cultivating equanimity became the icing on the cake for me in the face of loneliness. I’d begin by calling to mind the first noble truth, in which the Buddha set out a list of painful experiences everyone can expect to encounter at some point in life. At least two items on that list pertain to loneliness: getting what we don’t want (the feeling of loneliness) and losing what we cherish (the company of others). To make peace with these unpleasant and painful experiences, I turned to equanimity.

I began by reminding myself that life is always a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant experiences. The Buddha’s list of painful experiences told me it’s okay to feel lonely at times because unpleasant experiences come with the human condition. This means that loneliness is not due to some flaw in my personality; the conditions of my life are ripe for it to appear, so it does. When I accepted without aversion that I couldn’t always get what I wanted or feel the way I wanted, my heart opened and made room for loneliness. Then I’d calmly and patiently wait out this unpleasant emotion until it passed.

I never know when loneliness will pay a visit. I do know, however, that the best medicine for it is to cultivate whichever brahmavihara(s) fits the circumstances that triggered the loneliness. The good news is that each time you commit to cultivating a brahmavihara, it comes more naturally. As the Buddha said, whatever you “frequently think and ponder upon becomes the inclination of your mind.” So, for example, each time you respond to loneliness with compassion, you’re inclining the mind to respond that way the next time you feel lonely. With dedicated practice, friendliness, compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity can become your natural responses to this painful emotion. This has been true in my life, and I’m confident it can be true in yours.

Barry Magid on Just Sitting and Lovingkindness

To practice lovingkindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long, and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest in the area of your heart.

Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.

While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. Lovingkindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. However, if feelings of warmth, friendliness, or love arise in the body or mind, connect to them, allowing them to grow as you repeat the phrases. As an aid to the meditation, you might hold an image of yourself in your mind’s eye. This helps reinforce the intentions expressed in the phrases.

After a period of directing lovingkindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of lovingkindness toward them: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.

As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And again, if any feelings of lovingkindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words.

As you continue the meditation, you can bring to mind other friends, neighbors, acquaintances, strangers, animals, and finally people with whom you have difficulty. You can either use the same phrases, repeating them again and again, or make up phrases that better represent the lovingkindness you feel toward these beings.

Sometimes during lovingkindness meditation, seemingly opposite feelings such as anger, grief, or sadness may arise. Take these to be signs that your heart is softening, revealing what is held there. You can either shift to mindfulness practice or you can—with whatever patience, acceptance, and kindness you can muster for such feelings—direct lovingkindness toward them. Above all, remember that there is no need to judge yourself for having these feelings.

As you become familiar with lovingkindness practice during meditation, you can also begin to use it in your daily life. While in your car, or at work, or in public, privately practice metta toward those around you. There can be a great delight in establishing a heartfelt connection to everyone we encounter, friends and strangers alike.