The One You Feed: The Terrible Knowledge

 

Hi Hsi,

This newsletter is a bit different today. The last few months have been filled with a lot of loss in the One You Feed universe.

A good friend of mine lost his son shockingly and unexpectedly in a ski accident. Then my mom's health declined precipitously, and she died two weeks ago. This weekend, my best friend Chris, co-founder and editor of the podcast, had his dog Penny die suddenly.

All of it makes me think of a scene from The Crown. The Queen and the Queen Mother are watching Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis on TV after the assassination, and the Queen Mother says:

“Didn’t you say how unhappy she was in the marriage?”

Elizabeth replies:

“Yes. But that’s the thing about unhappiness. All it takes is for something worse to come along, and you realize it was actually happiness after all.”

Sometimes people will say to me, “Well, it can’t get any worse.” I will semi-jokingly say, “Do not tempt fate. It can always get worse.”

​Mark Nepo calls this “the terrible knowledge,” the awareness that we can be erased in a second. And so can anything we love. (If you’re interested in Mark’s work, see below for a special event this evening celebrating the launch of his new book, The Language of the Soul.)*

So what do we do with all this? (In addition to grieving our losses.)

Should we live on guard, bracing ourselves for the inevitable hardships to come? I don’t think that works. It sucks the joy out of life as it is and does not take away the sting of loss.

The Stoics and the Buddhists recommend contemplating the reality of death regularly as a way to prepare and to appreciate the preciousness of life. This is a valuable practice, but sometimes hard to do.

I want to leave us with something that faces toward life, not away from it.
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Frank Turner (previous podcast guest, the person whose sharing of my book brought me the most joy, and, according to Spotify, my most-streamed artist of all time) says this at the end of his song Polaroid Picture:

"Let go of the little distractions
Hold close to the ones that you love
'Cause we won’t all be here this time next year
So while you can, take a picture of us”

The thing that I find most valuable there is that there are two clear actions.

The first is to let go of the little distractions. What things are we worrying about, fretting about, or thinking about that matter little in the grand scheme of our lives?

And the second is to hold close to the people we love. Paying a little bit more attention to them, reaching out a little bit more often, making a bit more effort. Pausing to appreciate that they are in our lives.

None of that erases the losses or even prepares us for the next loss, but they do offer a way of living more meaningfully in the happiness that is present.
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​Try this:

Spend five minutes today setting down whatever “little distractions” have your attention, and instead spend those five minutes connecting with someone you love.
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​Reflect on this:

What is the current thing in your life that you are unhappy about that you would miss desperately if it were gone?

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Until next time,

Eric

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*Tonight in New York City: Mark Nepo is celebrating the launch of The Language of the Soul with a live conversation hosted by The New Center for Holistic Learning. You can learn more here: The Language of the Soul Event​

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Deep Listening: Ratner & Thich Nhat Hanh

Listening Deeply, Spaciousness, and
Not Being Full of One's Own Agenda

Thursday Evening Online Program
May 14, 2026, 7:00 to 8:45 pm Eastern time

Dear Still Water Friends,
 

This Thursday evening after our meditation we will recite together the Five Mindfulness Trainings and center our attention on the Fourth Training, Loving Speech and Deep Listening:
 

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.

Towards the end of our guided meditation last Thursday evening, I encouraged practitioners to bring to mind people in their life who have helped them by being willing to simply listen. My own list includes a fourth-grade teacher, a retired Congregational minister I met in college, my wife Ann-Mari who has been willing to listen to me for more than forty-five years, and several Plum Village monastics with whom I have had long-term friendships.

What did these people have in common, I wondered. A few days later, an excerpt from Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise by Thích Nhất Hạnh (Thầy) pointed me towards the linked qualities of spaciousness and not being full of our own agenda.
 

We need to cultivate a spiritual dimension of our life if we want to be light, free, and truly at ease. We need to practice in order to restore this kind of spaciousness. Only when we have been able to open space within ourselves, can we really help others. If I am out for a walk or on a public bus—anywhere, really—it is very easy to notice if someone has a feeling of spaciousness. Perhaps you’ve met people like this—you don’t even know them well, but you feel comfortable with them because they are easy and relaxed. They are not already full of their own agenda.

If you open the space within yourself, you will find that people, even someone who perhaps has been avoiding you (your teenage daughter, your partner with whom you were in a fight, your parent) will want to come and be near you. You don’t have to do anything, or try to teach them anything, or even say anything. If you are practicing on your own, creating space and quiet within you, others will be drawn to your spaciousness. People around will feel comfortable just being around you because of the quality of your presence.

This is the virtue of nonaction. We stop our thinking, bring our mind back to our body, and become truly present. Nonaction is very important. It is not the same thing as passivity or inertia; it’s a dynamic and creative state of openness. We just need to sit there, very awake, very light; and when others come sit with us, they feel at ease right away. Even though we haven’t “done” anything to help, the other person receives a lot from us.

When I first read this excerpt, I immediately thought of the mindfulness practices I learned from Thầy, especially sitting and walking meditation and mindfulness in daily life. They have helped me and many others to settle our minds and open our hearts. But there are many other ways to settle and open, too, such as gardening, hiking, being in nature, art, tai chi, knitting, running, cooking, or dance—all by themselves or alongside a meditation practice.

As I was writing this announcement I learned that Joan, my favorite cousin, had peacefully passed away, surrounded by her sons and grandchildren. Because we had talked about it, I know she had no interest in meditation or mindfulness. However, she was an extraordinary cook and hostess, and also an architect, mother, and community activist. And she was someone I could talk to—easily, freely, and for hours. Our mothers were sisters. In our conversations we often pooled our knowledge and tried to understand better the forces that shaped our grandparents, our parents, and us. 

Much of what I have been trying to say is condensed into a sentence from The Celtic Twilight by W. B. Yeats, published in 1902: 
 

We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us, that they may see, it may be, their own images, and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even with a fiercer life because of our quiet.
 

This Thursday we can begin our Dharma sharing on the Fourth Mindfulness Training by talking about the people we find especially comfortable to be with because they “are easy and relaxed” and “not already full of their own agenda.” And we can also reflect on the practices that are helping us become, bit by bit, more like that.

You are invited to be with us. 

Two related paragraphs from Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise are below, after the Still Water announcements.

Many blessings,
Mitchell Ratner

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From Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise by Thích Nhất Hạnh 

Having the space to listen with compassion is essential to being a true friend, a true colleague, a true parent, a true partner. A person doesn’t need to be a mental health professional to listen well. In fact, many therapists aren’t able to do it, because they are so full of suffering. They study psychology for many years and know a great deal about techniques, but in their heart they have suffering that they haven’t been able to heal and transform, or they haven’t been able to offer themselves enough joy and play to balance out all the pain they take in from clients, so they don’t have the space to help very effectively. People pay these therapists a lot of money and go back to see them week after week hoping for healing; but counselors can’t help if they haven’t been able to listen to themselves with compassion. Therapists and counselors are human beings who suffer like everyone else. Their ability to listen to others is dependent first on their ability to listen compassionately to themselves.

If we want to help others, we need to have peace inside. This peace we can create with each step, each breath, and then we can help; otherwise, we are just wasting others’ time—and taking their money if we’re professionals. What all of us need first is ease, lightness, and peace in our own body and spirit. Only then can we truly listen to others.

On mind

Kindness: a language everyone understands

https://insig.ht/ecrh7Tx2e3b

From insight Timer May 16, 2026. A quote by Annie Dillard and then a reflection from the Dhamapada.

Anne Dillard - 

What you attend to becomes your life.   

What you attend to does not merely fill your mind; it quietly shapes your days, your character, your relationships, and eventually your destiny. Attention is the invisible architect of life. Whatever you return to, again and again, becomes the landscape of your inner world. Attend to beauty, truth, gratitude, and presence, and your life slowly begins to resemble them. 💕

Byrne - May 10, 2026 - Equanimity

Live Session Summary, Sunday, May 10, 2026: It was good to be with you for our live session today. The theme of the session was ‘Cultivating equanimity to meet these difficult times with balance and peace.’ 

Here are some of the main themes, poems, and quotes from the live session:

I reviewed some of the main elements of the four ‘divine abodes’ (Brahma Viharas)—the Buddha’s heart practices of loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and equanimity. 

These qualities are described as unconditional since when they are present in their authentic form, all beings are included in our wishes of happiness and peace and nothing is expected in return; and immeasurable, in that there is no limit to the number or range of people who are included in our wishes for their well-being. 

We all have the potential to cultivate these qualities. Buddhist meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg said, ‘Love and concern for all are not things some of us are born with and others are not. Rather, they are the results of what we do with our minds. We can choose to transform our minds so that they embody love, or we can allow them to develop habits and false concepts of separation.” (Salzberg, ’Loving-kindness’, p89)

I focused on the fourth of the heart practices, equanimity, as a powerful support in difficult times. Equanimity is a quality of steadiness, balance, and evenness of heart and mind that helps us meet the ups and downs of life—life’s ‘ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows’—without being swept up or overwhelmed in strong emotions and mind states. 

Teaching on equanimity, the Buddha said, ‘Just as a rocky mountain is not moved by storms, so sights, sounds, tastes, smells, contacts and ideas, whether desirable or undesirable, will never stir one of steady nature, whose mind is firm and free.’

Some other descriptions of equanimity from Buddhist teachers include:

• ‘Equanimity describes a complete openness to experience, without being lost in reactions of love and hate.’ (Shaila Catherine)

• ‘A simple definition of equanimity… is the capacity to not be caught up with what happens to us.’ (Gil Fronsdal, Tricycle, Winter 2005)

• ‘Equanimity is a spacious stillness of the mind, a radiant calm that allows us to be present fully with all the different changing experiences that constitute our world and our lives.’ (Salzberg, ‘Loving-kindness’, p139)

Equanimity helps balance the other three heart qualities, preventing loving-kindness from becoming attachment, compassion from becoming pity, appreciative joy from becoming an unbalanced exuberance, and as equanimity deepens we avoid the tendency for non-attachment to become indifference.

It is the nature of life that we will all inevitably experience joys and sorrows and a range of other pleasant and unpleasant conditions. Our happiness and freedom depend not on getting more of the pleasant and less of the unpleasant, but on meeting the ups and downs of life with balance and steadiness, and without craving, aversion, or delusion.

The Buddha said the world spins around eight ‘worldly winds’ or conditions—pleasure and pain, success and failure, gain and loss, and praise and blame. We will all experience these conditions in our life. The untrained person, or ‘uninstructed worldling’, will be happy when they experience pleasant feelings, gain, success, and praise, and will be unhappy when they experience pain, loss, failure, and blame.

A dedicated dharma practitioner, or ‘well-instructed follower’ of the teachings will experience pain and pleasure, gain and loss, success and failure, and praise and blame and will see them all as impermanent, unsatisfactory, and not ‘me’ or ‘mine’, and doesn’t cling to the pleasant or fight against the unpleasant. The difference in response between the trained and untrained person is the difference between freedom and suffering. 

The equanimity phrases I shared in the meditation were: ‘Breathing in, I calm my body; breathing out, I calm my mind.’ ‘May I be balanced. May I be at peace.’ ‘May I learn to see the arising and passing of all things with equanimity and peace.’

The poems I shared were; ‘Fluent’ by John O’Donohue; ‘Prayer of Shantideva; and an excerpt from Dorothy Hunt’s ‘Peace is this moment without judgment.’

Wishing you a good week ahead and see you for our next regular Sunday live session on May 24 at 9am eastern and for a special two-hour session on Saturday, June 6, 12-2 pm eastern on ‘The power of cultivating equanimity in these challenging times.’ Warmly, Hugh 🙏🏻 💜 🌻

Prayer of Shantideva

 Prayer of Shantideva

May I be a protector to those without protection,

A leader for those who journey,

And a boat, a bridge, a passage

For those desiring the further shore.

May the pain of every living creature

Be completely cleared away.

May I be the doctor and the medicine

And may I be the nurse

For all sick beings in the world

Until everyone is healed.

Just like space

And the great elements such as earth,

May I always support the life

Of all the boundless creatures.

And until they pass away from pain

May I also be the source of life

For all the realms of varied beings

That reach unto the ends of space.

Fluent

 A poem by John O’ Donohue, Irish poet titled ‘Fluent’

Fluent

I would like to live
Like a river flows.
Carried by the surprise
Of its own unfolding.

One thing leads to another:

https://communalactsofbeauty.org/2014/05/22/poem-12-for-the-senses-john-odonahue/

And another:

https://www.tennesonwoolf.com/fluent-like-a-river/