Once when the Buddha was injured by an enemy, he spent hours meditating on the physical sensations of pain, without giving in to mental or emotional distress. Finally he lay down to rest. Mara the Evil One appeared and berated him. “ Why are you lying down? Are you in a daze or drunk? Don’t you have any goals to accomplish? ” The Buddha recognized Mara and said, “I’m not drunk or in a daze. I’ve reached the goal and am free of sorrow. I lie down full of compassion for living beings.” Then Mara, sad and disappointed, disappeared.
In this story Mara is depicted as an external entity. However, I have found that the most insidious obstacle actually arises from within. It is called the Inner Critic. If left unrecognized and unchecked, it creates a pattern of negative inner comments that can undermine our wellbeing and destroy our creativity, attacking our work when we’ve written just a few sentences, sung just a few notes, or painted only few strokes. Even worse, it can destroy our spiritual practice.
The Inner Critic criticizes whatever is in front of it. For example, if you don’t go to a meditation retreat, it says, “You aren’t very serious about your practice.” If you do go to the retreat it says, “You wasted so much time daydreaming during that retreat. You should have stayed home.” A hallmark of the Inner Critic is that it often puts us in a double bind, damned if we practice and damned if we don’t.
Just as the Buddha recognized Mara, we need to recognize the Inner Critic not as the truth, but as a single voice among many.
How can we work with the Inner Critic? The story of the Buddha gives us some clues. Just as the Buddha recognized Mara, we need to recognize the Inner Critic not as the truth, but as a single voice among many. You can even give it a name. “Oh, hi there Mr. Negativity. What are you so worked up about now?”
For the Inner Critic does indeed get worked up. It arises in childhood, trying to keep us from getting into trouble. It reviews our mistakes endlessly, in an attempt to prevent future errors or failures. It believes that the best way to insure our happiness is to berate us about our short comings. It doesn’t realize that it is also stealing away our innate capacity for happiness. As we grow older, it can infiltrate our mind so thoroughly that we don’t realize that we have fallen into a pervasively negative pattern of thinking about ourselves. When this happens, people begin to think of themselves as “defective” or ‘broken.”
I point out to students that they would never rent and watch the same painful movie two hundred and fifty times. And yet they allow their mind to play painful episodes from the past over and over. “Remember when you made that stupid mistake? Let’s run that mind movie again, and again, and again.” We need to tell the inner critic that we aren’t stupid. We only need to review our past mistakes once or twice, then create a determination to change and move on.
It helps to get some perspective on the damage a strong Inner Critic can do. Imagine that you heard a mother in a supermarket saying out loud to her three year old child what your inner critic says to you. “You’re an idiot! I’ve told you a million times not to do that. You’re hopeless!” We would all recognize these statements as harmful, or even abusive. No one, a child, a pet, or a plant, can thrive under that pattern of negative attack. And yet we allow our inner critic to attack us in this way, repeatedly.
The Buddha was quite clear about not giving energy to afflictive thoughts. He divided all his thoughts into two classes, those that led to enlightenment and those that led away. He cultivated the former and put aside the latter. If you recognize the Inner Critic and stop feeding it mental energy, its power will weaken.
When we can hear what the Critic says and take away the anger, the sting, the invidious comparisons of self and other, then it is transformed into the voice of discriminating wisdom and determination.
How can we cultivate a voice to subdue the Inner Critic? Through metta, loving kindness practice. We can meditate as the Buddha did, full of compassion for living beings – including ourselves. We can breathe out the silent phrases, “May I be free from anxiety and fear. May I be at ease.” We can even direct these phrases toward the Inner Critic, because this is the very part of us that is chronically anxious and fearful. It is desperately afraid that we will make a mistake, lose our job, be unloved, become homeless, grow old, become ill and die—which of course, eventually, we will.
Indeed, there is often a kernel of truth in what the Inner Critic says. Yes, I was drowsy during that last meditation period. However that does not mean that I am bad, stupid or hopeless. It just means that I had a sleepy period. Now I will drop the past and do my best during the next period. When we can hear what the Critic says and take away the anger, the sting, the invidious comparisons of self and other, then it is transformed into the voice of discriminating wisdom and determination.
Ultimately the only sure cure for the Inner Critic is to practice. The Critic relies upon an idea of a self—a small self—that is imperfect and must be fixed. It feeds on comparing, on thoughts of past and future, of mistakes and anxieties. The Inner Critic has no traction in the present moment. When our minds become quiet, when we are resting in the this very moment, there is no past or future, there is no comparing. The small self expands to become a huge field of calm awareness in which sensations, thoughts, and voices come and go. Everything is just as it is, perfect in its own place, interconnected with every other piece of the Whole. Every being also is perfect as it is, including the temporary collection of energy we call our self.
Every morning at the monastery we remind ourselves of this truth as we chant, ‘Buddha Nature pervades the whole Universe, existing right here now.” In us, as us. Nothing is broken.
Unruly beings are like space. There’s not enough time to overcome them. Overcoming these angry thoughts. Is like defeating all of our enemies. —Shantideva
The Buddha sat beneath the Bodhi tree on the eve of his enlightenment and was assailed by Mara, representing all of the afflictions we meet in the landscape of our minds: worry and restlessness, dullness and resistance, craving, aversion, and doubt. The one affliction that did not make an appearance in this story is the powerful voice of the inner critic—the inner judge that can torment us on a daily basis, undermining our well-being and distorting our relationship with life. The inner critic is the voice of shame, blame, belittlement, aversion, and contempt. To many of us, it is so familiar that it seems almost hardwired into our hearts.
Before exploring the nature of the judgmental mind, it is essential to mark the distinction between the voice of the inner critic and our capacity for discernment and discriminating wisdom. Discriminating wisdom is what brings us to our cushion to meditate and inspires us to act in ways that bring suffering and harm to an end. Discriminating wisdom is the source of every wise act and word. Discernment draws upon ethics, compassion, and wisdom and teaches us moment by moment to discover the Buddha in ourselves and in others.
The judging mind is optional; it can be understood and released.
The inner critic is a creature of a different nature. With the inner critic, we may still come to our cushion but we come accompanied by a story that tells us we are unworthy or inadequate. With the inner critic, we still act, speak, and make choices, yet moment by moment we feel endlessly criticized, compared, and belittled. The judgmental mind draws not upon all that is wise but upon Mara, the patterns of aversion, doubt, ill will, and fear. Rarely is the judgmental heart the source of wise action or speech, nor does it lead to the end of suffering. The judgmental mind is suffering and compounds suffering. It suffocates ethics, the guidelines of kindness and care, and it wounds our hearts and lives.
Discriminating wisdom is essential and must be cultivated. The judging mind is optional; it can be understood and released. Thomas Merton, the great Christian mystic described the essence of the spiritual path as a search for truth that springs from love. Beneath the Bodhi tree, Mara’s power over Siddhartha ended the moment he was able to look Mara in the eye and simply say, “I know you.” These few words were a reflection of a profound shift in Siddhartha’s heart: the shift from being intimidated and overpowered by Mara to having the courage to open a dialogue of understanding with Mara, and bringing intimidation to an end.
The judgmental mind that causes so much pain in our lives cannot be exempted from our practice. The judgmental mind needs to be met with the same courage and investigation we bring to any other afflictive emotion. The judgmental mind does not respond well to suppression, avoidance, or aversion. It needs kindness and understanding. The late Jiyu-Kennett Roshi, a Zen teacher, said the training of liberation begins with compassion for the self, and that cultivating a non-judgmental mind toward ourselves is the key to a genuine compassion for all beings.
We begin this process by asking what a non-judgmental mind looks like, and what it means to be free of the burden of the inner critic. To understand these questions experientially, we need to turn our attention to the judgmental mind and embrace its pain with the same mindfulness we would bring to a pain in our body or to another’s sorrow.
The essence of mindfulness is to see, to understand, and to find freedom within everything that feels intractable and clouded by confusion. Mindfulness is a present-moment experience, concerned with embracing and understanding the entirety of each moment with tenderness, warmth, and interest. In the light of this engaged attention, we discover it is impossible to hate or fear anything we truly understand, including the judgmental mind. We begin to see that the greatest barrier to compassion and freedom is not the pain or adversity we meet in our lives but the ongoing tendency to criticize and fear the simple truths of the moment. Instead of just wanting the judgmental mind to go away, we could begin to ask what it is teaching us. Abhirupa Nanda, a nun from the time of the Buddha, suggested meditating on the unconditioned. Liberate the tendency to judge yourself as being above, below, or the same as others. By penetrating deeply into judgment, you will live at peace.
Looking closely at the judgmental mind, we see that it is rarely truthful or able to see the whole of anything.
Although it may seem so, we were not born with a judgmental, aversive mind. It is a learned way of seeing and relating, and it can be unlearned. Looking closely at the judgmental mind, we see that it is rarely truthful or able to see the whole of anything. Instead, the judgmental mind is governed by seizing upon the particulars of ourselves and others and mistaking those particulars for the truth. A friend neglects to return a phone call, and this triggers a cascade of anxious thinking that convinces us they are an indifferent person or we are unworthy of their attention. We arrive late for an appointment and in moments the inner critic determines we are a mindless failure. The practice of meditation, of discovering what is true, suggests there is another path that can be followed.
In the Sufi tradition it is suggested that our thoughts should pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask of our thought, “Is it true?” If so, we let the thought pass through to the second gate, where we ask, “Is it necessary or useful?” If this also is so, we let the thought continue on its way to the third gate, where we ask, “Is this thought rooted in love and kindness?” Judgmental thoughts, which are neither true, helpful, nor kind, falter at the gates.
Students often wonder why the judgmental mind does not appear in the traditional list of afflictions that Siddhartha met under the Bodhi tree. Perhaps it is because the judgmental mind is not one affliction or hindrance but a compounded hindrance. If you explore just one moment during which the inner critic is operating, you sense how the winds of all of the hindrances flow through it. There is craving, which takes form in the expectations and ideals we hold for ourselves and others. There is restlessness and worry — the shoulds and expectations generating endless thought and emotion as we struggle to avoid imperfection. And there is aversion and ill will, directed toward ourselves and others when our shoulds and expectations are disappointed. Doubt makes a powerful appearance too—doubt in our worthiness, goodness, and capacity. Then there is the affliction of dullness, which makes a disguised appearance in the form of despair, resignation, and numbness.
Holding all of these afflictions together are the beliefs we have regarding who we are and who we are not, which continually fuel the afflictive emotions. But the path of awakening invites us to understand this compound of the inner critic, to learn how to loosen its hold and power, and to rediscover all that is true within ourselves and others. The path invites us to extend kindness, rather than harshness, to ourselves and all beings and to learn to see a thought as a thought, rather than as a description of reality. On the path, we can begin to see that self-judgment or judgment of another is no more than a thought that is laden with ill will and aversion. There is a profound liberation in knowing this so deeply that we can let go of ill will.
Nurturing our capacity to be mindful and present is the first step to understanding and disempowering the identity and power of the inner critic.
The Buddha taught that what we dwell upon becomes the shape of our mind. If we dwell on ill will, directed outwardly or inwardly in the form of blame, disparagement, or aversion, it will become the shape of our mind until all that we see is that which is broken, flawed, imperfect, and impossible. In India there is a saying that when a pickpocket meets a saint in the marketplace, all he sees are the saint’s pockets. Habit and awareness do not co-exist. Nurturing our capacity to be mindful and present is the first step to understanding and disempowering the identity and power of the inner critic.
We can learn to pause and to listen deeply to the voice of the inner judge, with its endless symphony of blame and shame, and we can surround it with the kindness of mindfulness. We can investigate the truth of its story. We can begin to sense that the inner critic truly warrants compassion, as does any suffering and affliction. Instead of fleeing the painfulness of the judgmental mind we can turn toward it, sensing that everything we are invited to understand in the journey of awakening can be understood within the judgmental mind. Letting go, compassion, the emptiness of self, equanimity, and wisdom are the lessons we are invited to explore with this most powerful of afflictions. The alchemy of mindfulness is to nurture a sense of possibility. We are encouraged to imagine a life free from ill will, blame, and shame. To imagine a life and a heart of compassion, wisdom, and peace.
A zen master's life is one continuous mistake. ~ Dogen
On forgiveness: The Sun never says to the earth you owe me. Look what happens to a love like this, It lights up the whole world. Poem by Hafiz. ~ Andrea
The Sun never says to the earth you owe me .look what happens to a love like this ,It lights up the whole world ,Poem by Hafiz ,
Gleanings from Carrie Grossman's Insight Talk on Feb 28, 2021: on patterns of self-image
Beauty in the broken parts...a Japanese art form of putting broken pottery back together.
There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s not our strengths that connect us, it’s our vulnerabilities. ~ Angela
Yes perfectionism is BORING and disconnecting, maybe because it is hiding the imperfection that is real. The Velveteen Rabbit, lived, shabby and therefore real. ~Wen
A failure is a stepping stone on the way to somewhere else. ~ Carrie Grossman...
Sign seen in temple in Thailand --- "in a hundred years, all new people!" ~ implication is to let go of shame or whatever is the breeding ground of 'perfectionism'....no need to prove who we are.
Working hard to give myself the same compassion and acceptance I give to others. Not easy but baby steps... ~ Maggie
First steps to changing the channel is to acknowledge our suffering (eg. how hard we are on ourselves), then we can find the antidote to this. Our own awareness can be so healing, our own presence to ourselves...shine a light on that. ~ Carrie
"Forget your perfect offering!" ~ a koan? 'It is what it is...it's not about perfection'.. maybe the perfection is in the messiness itself. 'The mirage of perfection.'
We cannot connect with each other if we are expecting perfection. ~ Carrie
A forgiveness practice: a song called '
Davidji Heart Salutations
"THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION", Brene Brown
~~' Remembrance of what we already are.'
Pema Chodron ---'there is no need for self-improvement...identities we so desperately cling to. ...only clouds that block the sun.' ..
deep quiet place within us, the light within...is untouched by these identities, these judgments.
Upanishads: nothing we do can take away our innate wholeness. 'God don't make no junk'.
Practice can be stated very simply. It is moving from a life of hurting myself and others to a life of not hurting myself and others. That seems so simple--except when we substitute for real practice some idea that we should be different or better than we are, or that our lives should be different from the way they are. When we substitute our ideas about what should be (such notions as "I should not be angry or confused or unwilling") for our life as it truly is, then we're off base and our practice is barren.--Charlotte Joko Beck
No need to dozazen. No need to practice. Therefore, we must do zazen, must practice. Do you see this? Do you see this no-need?
Unfortunately, much of the time many of us live in a world of needing and not needing. I need this, I don’t need that. And we believe this viscerally as the truth of who we are and what the world is. All sorts of consequences come from this: consequences of suffering, stress, and harm. This is not something new. Many of you are familiar with the exchange between Bodhidharma and Emperor Wu, in the commentary to the first case in the Blue Cliff Record. The Emperor asks Bodhidharma, “I supported the ordination of monks, built and supported temples. What merit is there from this?” Bodhidharma answers, “No merit.”
When we do things primarily for gain and loss, and are attached to gaining and losing, right there we give away our birthright. We give away who we are into a world of having more or less, likes and dislikes. We believe ourself lacking, or needing to gain, needing to improve. We turn zazen into something that is going to improve us and change us. Yes, we sit still, and body-mind quiets; cause and effect, there are so-called present and future effects of quieting body-mind. But if that is the limit of our zazen, then to that degree we limit who we are. That is a zazen of gaining, a practice and life of trying to improve and get something else that already misses who we are.
Dogen Zenji emphasizes practice from the beginning being in realization, clarifying the misunderstanding that realization is a result of practice, the misunderstanding that this true dharma eye of the wonderful treasure of nirvana comes from doing something and therefore accumulating and improving. Despite the fact that we offer the merit of the chanting, of incense, for the well-being of others…no merit. No merit. No need. You lack nothing. See? But you don’t believe it.
The Buddha says all beings are the wisdom and perfection of Buddha. What is that? This is “no need for zazen.” This is who you are. You don’t believe it sometimes. No need for zazen; therefore we must do zazen. Not should, must! We must be who we are. This is the zazen I encourage all of you to must be. That is the life we must be.
What is this “must be” life?
Hearing this “no merit,” Emperor Wu is confused. He has spent a fortune, put much effort into this, been praised by many people for his wonderful activity and the results. So Emperor Wu asks Bodhidharma, “What is the fundamental principle, what is the holy truth?” Bodhidharma responds, “Vast emptiness, no holiness.” This is the truth of our life, the truth of zazen. This is the truth; the truth of Buddha teaching, buddhadharma. Despite our wanting to hold on to beliefs about better and worse, what conditions should be and what conditions should not be, what conditions mean—vast emptiness, no holiness. This is “must do” zazen.
So Emperor Wu asks Bodhidharma, “Who are you? Who is this in front of me?” Bodhidharma shows once more, “Don’t know.”
Please see what sort of bargains we sometimes slip into our zazen, into our practice, and release those, empty our hands of those. It is fine for those to appear, but open the hands and release those. Must do zazen isn’t “I must do zazen in order to get away from this condition, in order to get this better.” Vast emptiness, no holiness. Otherwise we believe stories of gain and loss. We truly believe them, and in a sense we reinforce them. We make them all the more true for us, so the more we try to improve, the more we try to run from the beliefs of lacking, the more we carry them along. Despite the fact that we think we have escaped them, to that extent we have brought them here, even if temporarily, we don’t see them, don’t feel them. Because in gain, loss, likes, dislikes…to that extent we miss this that we are, this no need for zazen. No need for zazen, so we must do zazen. What did Bodhidharma do when he left Emperor Wu? He went and sat in the cave for nine years. Some of you have been to these caves in China. No need to do zazen, so he sits for nine years. This is zazen of no merit. This is what we are talking about.
Artwork by Shinichi Maruyama
You lack nothing. You lack nothing, therefore you practice. Therefore you must realize and manifest this no-lack, this realized life, this awakened life that you are. Manifest the wisdom compassion functioning that you are. To paraphrase Dogen Zenji, if you want to be such a person, as you are such you must do such. You must do this person that you are, then you will be this person that you are. Instead, often we try to do something else, and then we wonder why we are not who we are. Despite the fact it is not so, we believe we are not who we are. So if we believe we are not, that much we are not.
You lack nothing. You lack nothing of the wisdom and perfection of the Buddha, right at this moment. Hearing, breathing, you don’t differ even one drop from hearing, breathing Buddha. Not even a hair’s breadth. And yet we can be far away. So it is important and valuable to clarify. Clarifying, this noneed manifests. We are who we are.
The Buddha said, “Do not believe something just because I or some great teacher said it.” Test it for yourself. This is exactly zazen. Taste and test for yourself. Of course you must do your own zazen. No one can do it for you. The only reason to speak is to refine and clarify testing. If you are testing with the zazen of needing to do, of gaining and losing, then don’t let that slip by without seeing the gaining and losing, the needing something and lack of something, because it will keep you from what you are.
Suzuki Roshi always emphasized no-gain zazen. Where gaining appears—not out there with someone else, but for us—where there is a belief of lack, please be attentive to that and practice skillfully with that; so gaining and lack doesn’t blind you, like the merit Emperor Wu was carrying around burdened and blinded him. Test it.
You have to do the right tests. If my car didn’t start, the battery sputtered, and I said, “Okay, I’m going to test it,” and then I took an air gauge to the tires, you’d say, “What’s the matter with you? That is not the problem.” We have to clarify: “How do you test the car?” Similarly, we have to clarify how to test.
The Buddha is saying, “You are this.” He doesn’t say, “I have something extra that I am going to give you.” Trust in yourself, trust in who you are. Sit down, breathe, be listening right now, hearing right now. Be intimate. But you have to do it for yourself. If you try to figure it out, that will not do. It is like a car needing a new battery and we keep it on the seat. It won’t start the car. You have to connect it to the electrical system. Then the electrical charge flows. You have to connect it into the correct system. Thinking about it and trying to fit it into our thought pattern isn’t going to do it. Nothing wrong with speaking and thinking, but it only goes so far. Similarly, nothing wrong with keeping things on the seat next to you; just use it when it is needed. So the Buddha says, don’t believe it because you heard the words, or have memorized it; test it. Do the correct, appropriate, skillful testing. Do the zazen of no-need-to-do-zazen. Then you will be the zazen of must-do-zazen; the practice life of no-need-to-practice, must-practice. You will be the wisdom and perfection of Buddha that you are, manifesting compassion as your life. It is not something else.
We need to be clear on what we are doing. Then the zazen that we do is the zazen of no-need-to-do-zazen, the zazen of practice that is in realization from the very beginning. One moment zazen, one moment Buddha. You are the one-minute Buddha, the thirty-minute Buddha, the all-day Buddha. You have always been this, from the beginning. Since you are such a person, not someone else, be such a person. Here is Bodhidharma’s vast emptiness, no holiness.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Every time you judge yourself, you hurt yourself. ~ Paulo Coelho
The New Year is a powerful time in our lives, and by that I mean in our practice. Through no effort of our own, we arrive at a point of culmination. A moment of reflection and renewal. In this span between what we think of as the old and the new, regret can stir. We may be more aware of our stubborn habits and shortcomings, our losses and the never-ending ache of unfulfillment. Another year gone, and all those things we were going to do! All those changes we were going to make!
This recognition is a rare and momentous blessing, and one to be used. Recognition is all any of us needs to make a change.
My teacher Nyogen Roshi is fond of quoting his teacher, Maezumi Roshi, who said something like, “It is impossible not to do your best. You just don’t think it’s your best.” Every moment arises pure and perfect from conditions as they are. From you, as you are. Our judgment alone, our ego mind, distinguishes best from less, gain from loss and new from old. Judgment alone separates us from the fulfillment we think lies just beyond the precipice of time.
And so I seize this moment to wish you all the best.
I wish you less of what you can live without and more of what you’ve always wanted. Less anger, and less quickness to anger. Less greed, and more open-mindedness. Less judgment, doubt and cynicism, and less of the pain and confusion they create. Less hurry.
Less fear. More of the compassionate love that can only arise in the absence of fear.
I would wish you more time, but you already have it. It only takes a moment to transform your life. A moment of undefiled, nonjudgmental awareness. A moment of practice, and everything everywhere is new again.
Only you can make it so, but I will wish it just the same: your best new year.
