I don't know if you have the actual feeling of true practice.
I don't know because when I was young and practicing zazen, I did not
know what it was. Although I had some feeling for the practice, it
was difficult to talk about the feeling. The feeling made no sense
even though I was very impressed by the practice.
I wanted to put some order into those experiences, but that is not
possible. I thought I understood a certain amount one year and that
next year I would understand a little bit more. This is what people
call "stepladder Zen." This kind of practice doesn't make
much sense. Maybe after you try stepladder practice, you may realize
that it is a mistake since practice and enlightenment are one.
If you don't have some actual feeling of practice, that is not practice.
Even though you sit in the right posture, follow your breath, and follow
all the instructions that are given to you, this still may be empty
zen. This is because even though you are following the instructions,
you are not kind enough to yourself. Just to follow your breathing
doesn't make sense. If you are very kind with your breaths, one after
another, then you will have a refreshing, warm feeling with your zazen.
Perhaps we are not kind enough with ourselves, with our practice.
If you don't feel Buddha's mercy in your practice, on your body and
breathing, there is no warm feeling and it is not satisfying zazen.
You should be fully satisfied with your practice. You should be very
kind to yourself; then naturally you will feel satisfaction.
A mother will take care of her children even though she has no idea
of how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your
posture and your breathing, there should be some warm feeling in it.
When you have a warm feeling in your practice, that is actually a good
example of the great mercy of Buddha. And whether you are a priest
or a layperson, this practice will extend to your everyday life. When
you take utmost care of what you do, then you feel good.
Tozan Ryokai attained enlightenment many times. Once when he was crossing
a river, he saw himself reflected in the water and said, "Don't
try to figure out what you are. If you try to figure out what you are,
what you understand will be far from you. You should not have even
an image of yourself." Actually you are in the river. You may
say this is just a shadow or a reflection of yourself, but if you see
carefully with a warm-hearted feeling, this is you. You may think you
are warm-hearted, but when you try to understand how warm, you cannot
actually measure the temperature of your feeling. Yet when you see
yourself in the mirror or in the water with this warm feeling, this
is actually you. And whatever you do, you are there.
You don't have to seek for where the Bodhisattva of Wisdom, Manjushri
is or what he is doing. When you have good practice in your everyday
life, there is Manjushri, and there is true you, real you. Don't say
Manjushri is here or there, or in the middle of the zendo. When you
do things with your warm-hearted mind, that is actual practice. That
is how to take care of things, and that is how to talk with people.
Some of you are priests or monks and some of you are not, and each
of you will have your own way to go. Those who are not married and
those who have married both have their ways of extending practice to
everyday life. Although our situations are different, practice is just
one, and we all meet Manjushri. Even though he is one, he is everywhere,
with everyone, and with things. Whatever you do, whatever practice
you are involved in, there is Manjushri. The secret is not to forget
the true mercy of Buddha who takes care of everything. If we lose this
point, whatever you do doesn't matter.
So we put emphasis on warm heart, warm zazen. The warm feeling we
have in our practice is, in other words, enlightenment, Buddha's mercy
or Buddha's mind. It is not a matter of just counting or following
your breath. Counting breath is tedious. So maybe it is better to just
follow your breath. This is easier and less of a disturbance to your
practice. But the point is, one after another, inhaling and exhaling,
take care of your breath, just as a mother may watch a baby. If a baby
smiles, its mother may smile. If a baby cries, its mother is worried.
That kind of close relationship, that being one with your practice,
is the point. I am not talking about anything new - the same old things!
When your practice improves, and you have good control over your desires
and your everyday life, then you will have big freedom from everything.
That is the goal of our practice, both for priests and for lay people.
Take care of your practice. Be very kind with yourself.
