The Blessings of Unrequited Love
by Nadia Ballas-Ruta
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama
When spirituality first entered my life, I prayed like a maniac. I prayed for a good hair day, to lose a few pounds, to catch the train in time for work, that the shoes I wanted were on sale. Mostly I prayed that whoever I loved at the time would the one I’d settle down with for the rest of my life.
When I was single, one of my main concerns was finding the person I’d marry so I’d finally be free from the drama of dating.
Falling in love was easy for me. It didn’t take much to get my heart all a flutter with thoughts of romance and happily ever after. The first months of a relationship are always exhilarating. It’s like everything in the world is beautiful, glowing in Technicolor.
But a romance is bound to fail if you expect your significant other will be the ultimate source of your joy. The movie Jerry Maguire created a lot of misguided ideas about love. The line you complete me became a mantra for romantics. It’s sad to think you need another person to feel whole. I know—I used to hold this delusion.
For years, I wanted so much to be complete that each failed relationship left me emptier than the last. Whenever I met a new man, I’d pray that he’d be the one, never once considering whether he was right for me or not. Never did I look down the road and imagine waking up to the same person every day until I pass away.
My life took all kinds of twists and turns—as lives tend to do—leading me on an intense spiritual quest. Along the way, I came to this conclusion:
We are already complete, whether we’re in relationships or not.
I came to love myself. It was then that I realized what relationships are really all about: two souls coming together to help each other become the best versions of themselves.
I began to recognize that I was not lacking in any way. I didn’t need a man to make me feel whole. All I needed was a partner to help me grow, and to share experiences with.
I started looking back on my failed relationships, and felt grateful for each and every one. None of those encounters were failures. They were blessings in disguise. Teachers. They added to my awareness and wisdom, and made me better on some level.
Pretty soon, I didn’t care whether I was married or not. I began to live my life for me—open to someone else, but not needing them. And you know what? A few months later, a wonderful man entered my life who I married ten months after that.
So often we pray for things we want without considering whether they’re good for us. Sometimes we even pray for things we don’t want because we think we’re supposed to want them.
For years, I prayed to be a successful lawyer. The irony is that my passions are spirituality and writing. I went to law school, but it became obvious that I lacked the skills required to succeed in that pursuit. Now I work in law in the day to pay the bills while I work toward my passions as an eventual full-time gig.
Do I still pray? Sure, but I no longer pray for myself. I now pray for other people’s health, happiness, a successful surgery, or whatever the case may be. Of course I still want things. But I am no longer attached to the outcome of the desires I hold. I know in the back of my mind that the outcome will be the right one.
Just as the Dalai Lama states, sometimes unanswered prayers or desires are really great blessings in disguise.
Nadia Ballas-Ruta maintains her own blog, Happy Lotus, and contributes to Elephant Journal. She is a free spirit who believes in being happy, living green and eating as natural and healthy as possible. You can follow her on Twitter @HappyLotus.
